This mess or that

To be or not to be

To see or not to see

To do or not to do

To live or not to live

Each day is the beginning of a new turmoil. Dates change, weather follows, but what does not change is the feeling of being sucked in. The pressure keeps rising and pushing me to do things that were not on the list. But the show has to go on, somehow.  

My hands get dirtier with each passing day, my soul corrupted with each passing minute. The need to be, in and of this world, is rooted deep within but not understandable. It comes as naturally as the air I breathe but why do I have to. Using the permutation basics to evaluate combination of the choices I made in the past, I wonder what difference I could have made. But the truth is that I would have been stuck in a different kind of mess but mess after all. 

Lucky are those days when I get the chance to question myself. I know I can’t change much but at least I get to push the pause button and let the turmoil wait for a while.

A holiday (continued and ended)

The much needed fall

Nina didn’t realize that the fall could be so lethal. Blinded by the flowing water, she hardly had any control to remind herself the emergency protocol. As she fought for breath, her life jacket gave her full support. She gulped down the water, a sip or two, before managing a constant air flow. But the battle was still on; she was still unstable and drifting further away.

The raft came closer and the guide threw a rope in her direction. “Watch out you moron!” Nina shouted as she thought the front of the rope could hit her head. (It looked like she still had to learn she wasn’t the queen of this kingdom). The guide ignored the attitude and did his best to help. After a countless gasps from the ones still on the raft and Nina’s brave efforts, she was pulled back, though still in the water but now holding the rope fixed on the raft. She requested to stay like that and float along, smirking to her friends and then laughing at her silliness.

“Hey, did you know that the Ganges tastes sweet!” she exclaimed and this is what she got in return – “Did you know that you are total freak?” from Sharon, and “Could you act any less proud about what just happened?” from Aneesha. But Nina loved it all; right from the fall to this moment where she felt so small. The river, the mountains, so big in front of her—they didn’t care whether she was even there or not. It felt so real, and it just took one slippery fall to break free from her inner toil. 

A holiday (continued)

Rarely does it happen that one is happy to realize the contradiction between reality and dream. Nina’s first holiday morning was one of those.

It took but a moment for her racing heartbeat to reach back to herself; the picturesque view in front of her was to thank. The swishing sound of the river against the still and silent surroundings was overwhelming. Nina forgot all about the uncanny visuals from her dream. She was witnessing heaven in between the hustle of her hectic life and she didn’t want to give it up to participate in the group’s chaotic discussion of an adventurous plan. However, she knew that whether she pitched in or not, what’s inevitable will happen.

“Who said that camping would be fun?” one of her friends (Sharon) exclaimed while marching towards their camp.

“I did. In fact we all did. You got a problem with that?” another one (Aneesha) defended.

“Well, try to poop in that gross toilet, and let me know if you could even manage to make number one”, she shouted back.

Nina’s urge to pee just got worse. She, like all other girls, could not stand unhygienic sanitation. What the heck was she going to do for the rest of the trip? She took her chances and began her exploration. To her relief, it wasn’t all that bad. Talk of number one, she even made number two in one go. Hurray! This was a going to be good holiday.

Soon they all wrapped up to jeopardize their lives for seeking pleasure from a bit of adrenalin rush. They were not alone. It looked like the whole town was there to relish the adventure of water sports. With their life jackets on and matching helmets buckled tight, the girls looked cute and the guys an admirable sight. Feeling estrogen-drained, Nina sped up her way to the raft. She hadn’t made love to Abhay in a while and she didn’t feel a thing being around that hunk of a pack. Was something wrong with her? She thought the same. But there was no answer, at least not right there.

They all lined up on the shore, sincerely listening to the rafting dos and don’ts. Nina got shit scared and almost backed out but her friends didn’t let her and instead promised her a safer seat on the raft. And it began. All in that group were losers in the name of sport; the raft didn’t even move a few meters when the guide had to pull for a stop. He pumped some motivation, or at least he tried, and they were slowly moving towards the right side. Excitement heightened when the first wave hit them in the face, except for Nina who tucked herself further in the raft proving to be a joke for all of them. Maybe for all except one, a guy leading the group seemed quite interested in her from the instant the two groups were merged for the rafting trip. Somehow Nina didn’t like the extra attention, and manned up to face the silly tides on her own. She managed to love them one by one and eased her grip on the ropes that held her in.

The flow was treating them good and it looked like the group had picked up on the skill. Nina’s eyes met Aneesha’s and they smiled. Aneesha was admiring that she could make it here with her friends and that she could witness them all having so much fun.

But to make it last, their eyes had to be on the road (or river). There came a big tide and that smile turned all white. It took Nina along with it drowning her in the river upside down.

A holiday

She didn’t see it coming.

Nina was running in the mountain fields in the middle of the night. She wasn’t sure of the time but with the intensity of darkness and the fritinancy that surrounded, she knew it was surely past midnight. Fear had consumed her to an extent that she had forgotten what she was running from or where was she heading to. She could stumble upon a rock or fall in a pit as the starlight could hardly find its way through the dense forest.

She could hear the waters flowing somewhere near, but wasn’t sure exactly where. It could be a river or a waterfall, but she thought that it was enough to help her find someone or at least a way out. Running and gasping through an uneven path, there came a point when Nina thought she would lose her conscious. She had to halt, no matter what, to get a little rest. The waterfall was still far but she could hear it splash clearer this way. She gave her panting a chance to ease and tried to examine which one of the two will make her squeak—a wild animal or a ghost.

And as if they were listening to her thoughts, a spine-chilling shrill-of-a-laugh came from her side. She screamed aloud and charged her body to run against the direction of the sound. The sudden burst of energy caused a strange reaction—she woke up to a clear sky, outside a camp in front of the Ganges. Shudders went to her heart when the screaking laughter did a round two; it was Nina’s friend who was having an overjoyed conversation with the rest of the holiday crew.

A long awaited holiday had finally begun.

Been there, done that

There’s déjà vu and then there’s the heightened yet subdued version of it.

I was hungry, and there was food—a lot of it but I couldn’t eat. I knew the taste of each dish but I didn’t want to savor it. I walked around in my dirty pajamas and a complimenting pair of slippers, going from one stall to another that offered the usually-tempting delicacies but couldn’t bribe me anymore. A spicy platter was finding it hard to win over a bland porridge.

I saw pretty faces with even better clothes on, and for the first time I didn’t mind the lounging attire that I had put on. No perfume shop could turn me on; no shiny shoes could steal my glance. I was hungry but I couldn’t eat at all.

Suddenly everything—cheap or fancy—was losing its grip on me. The highs and lows were staring at me but the lines defining them were fading away. I could work on and on without needing a break (thinking of a holiday didn’t really make my stomach churn the funny way). I was standing far away from my emotional self, not finding it wrong to feel, for once, the mechanical way.

I saw my future as if in a flashback. Guess I am an old soul, been living too long to now feel old.

Darkness: my better half

I read somewhere that if you live in the state of solemnness all your life, you would need to depend on great companionship to come closer to yourself—to grow. A traveler in the desert will find peace to see greenery and abundance of nature; it doesn’t matter if he really finds it or just imagines it. Peace will come. And for those who have lived in the lap of nature, they would not like to dream of greenery anymore.

I agree for it to be true as I can relate to the latter. Raised in a joint family, I was loved by all (major credit goes to being the youngest); I was blessed with umpteen, good friends; I faced no major restrictions be it monitory or mental; I was given the authority to choose a candy from the store or a career out of my average qualification. Life has always been smooth. But when I shut my eyes, I see darkness: poverty, abandonment, sacrifice and death. They suck me in; I see them coming.

I have been preparing inside, crying since I was eight. But I’m still not ready. I don’t see how it will make me grow but how it does help, is by making me aware of the life that could be. It has never let me become greedy for happiness; I do long for a life full of it, though. It has kept me vulnerable and emotional to the situations I have never come across.

I have also heard people say that a day full of laughter is followed by another full of tears. And I have found myself burst out the next week/month (if not the very next day) of a zestfully happy one.

I wonder if it is helping me out at all. 

Where it all starts or where all it could have started (continued and ended)

After meeting Abhay, there was no looking back for Nina. He was the one (if that meant anything at all). But could that one be the one for someone else as well?

The evidence for Nina was still a blurry image for the world. Acknowledging the endangered devotion towards her friend, and the ever-growing love for her boyfriend, Nina stepped up to break that slender thread of bond between the two of them. She took Saanchi from Abhay's arms and freed him of the responsibility, noticing his gestures in detail as if those 2 vodka shots and a glass full of screwdriver never went inside. Abhay played it cool.  

"To hell with all those who called her skinny! Come, hold her and try saying that again." Nina screamed inside but didn’t let a drop of her trouble show. She didn't take much time to become a pro (at handling drunk, short-skirted girls who can barely open their eyes but are still standing somehow).

After handling Saanchi for about half an hour and being the good, responsible friend, Nina’s conscience started to question her. Abhay didn’t seem to take the role back, and Saanchi was comfortable in her arms. Soon, it started mocking her but she wasn’t planning to give into it without a one-on-one with Abhay. But that had to wait. Nina was doubtful of asking someone else to manage Saanchi. She was apprehensive of the thought that the kind king himself might not intrude her plan. With every passing moment, her list of questions-to-ask-Abhay kept growing long. And when the time for handcuffing the convict came, the roles interchanged.

Abhay’s outrage at the accusation made her whiny expressions turn weepy. She forgave him (in her mind) in one-tenth of a nano second and apologized (out loud) like a school kid to the teacher.

Where it all starts or where all it could have started (continued)

It’s funny when you think that you know someone from a very long time, and then they suddenly turn out to be someone else.

It was an early Sunday evening, and all Nina and Abhay had to do was cuddle about until Saanchi came. Nina had already briefed him about her shy and closed conduct so that he doesn’t creep out. The doorbell rang and Nina almost bounced to get it; she was indeed excited. Saanchi mirrored the excitement as she met her old friend after 4 long months (some might wonder but that is a long time for them).

Saanchi was feeling rather happy and relieved; she had just had the worst first date and was dying to meet someone she could talk to, and in this situation it wasn’t just Nina; she seemed as close to Abhay. Nina examined her appreciatively as she spoke to him – way more than her usual one sentence answers - looking him in the eye and not fiddling for words. It was like they had already met before. Nina felt proud in a way. She thought Abhay had a positive impact on Saanchi as she had never seen her open up so easily. Saanchi’s energy that day was like a fresh breath to their little apartment. The roses in her hand from the so-called-date might have just a little to do with it. She kept going on and on while Nina made them tea. It was strange that Nina didn’t have to put in any efforts at all to bind the three. Saanchi was on a roll that day.

The next time Abhay and Saanchi got to meet was when all of Nina’s hometown friends came down to their city for a weekend party. The night was going great; good music, great drinks and a lot of dancing. The scene turned around when Saanchi got a little high. She found herself being ogled by guys around, some even trying to pick her out. But with all her girlfriends around, she was safe. Really. There didn’t seem the need for Abhay to go out of his way and grab her by the waist and hold her till the end of the night. Nina thought it was sweet and responsible of him to take care of her friend. But was the arm around her waist necessary? She thought. Soon her drink felt like acid dripping down her throat; the music became the background to the voices in her head and the thumping of her heart. Was it so easy for him to fall out of love, the love that her friends looked up to? Countless, unreasonable and undeniable questions came rushing to her mind, all phrased differently but meaning the same. She still danced and she still smiled, and tried to ignore what seemed evident only to her.

Were the others blind, and what about Saanchi? Did she forget that she was lousing in the arms of her best friend’s love? Did that mean nothing to her? Nina thought while she burned from inside out. For a moment she actually wanted to check if she was visibly sending out hot steams. And then her eyes met Abhay’s. She waited for him to act all foolish and pretend like he didn’t mean it or at least act guilty.

His blank eyes stopped at her for a moment, and then moved on, making her feel like an outsider—abandoned and unknown.

Where it all starts

Or where all it could have started

Nina has always been close to her girls even though once every 2-3 years, there was someone new wearing the tiara of her best friend. That is one reason why she has a good number of friends, all with varied interests. She always learnt something new and experienced something different with each one of them, and when it stopped, their bond had to end as well. Eventually they came around (most of them) and now they all hang out together like mature, sensible and hot-as-hell grown-ups.

She stopped passing the tiara after school or maybe after the first year of college, and the last one to the throne was Saanchi.  She was accepted by all as Nina’s closest, and was a party to all of her secrets and speculations. She was the only one to have met, understood and consulted all her past boyfriends. Though she felt that Nina’s change of heart was quite frequent, she always remained sincere to her feelings. Even in their exchange of thoughts and feelings (though one-sided) with Nina, she would discover depths she had never known or felt. Saanchi never had a real boyfriend and was still a virgin at the age of 27. She thought that Nina’s love stories, no matter how short-lived, were not far from becoming epic.

When Nina told her about Abhay, she felt the jolts again – of fear and protectiveness. She seemed patient and tried to sound excited but balked when asked to comment. It was only after few weeks had gone by, and things were still smooth between Nina and Abhay that Saanchi let go of her protective grip. And then came a day when Saanchi got a chance to finally meet Abhay. Nina had almost anticipated their meeting; Saanchi being shy - talking mostly to Nina, Abhay cordial and warm – listening them earnestly, and Nina being the common thread – trying to do a good job at making them connect.

But that’s not how it went down.

Role play is an art

What’s the point of keeping all the good things under covers and proclaiming being noble? I say relish the filth the way it’s meant to and if you can’t, a little role play won’t harm.

There comes a time in every couples’ lives when sex turns dull, they prefer a posh meal over a night of intimacy. And that’s how people get fat in love, because the love they had towards each other is now with their respective belly. Yes, I just stereotyped all fat people in love. And it’s true. They take more time in deciding their dinner menu than making out with each other. I hope they are reading it.

Role plays are like beautiful getaways. They don’t have to be cheesy like in the tele. I find it really hard to understand how a bunny or leopard could turn anyone on. The role play I’m talking about should be staged in the mind and played with eyes, like how Nina and Abhay did in the candid video shoot scene. But that was just one; there can be so many more interesting situations and instances where Nina’s mind could come to play.

A night it was

Nina is called at a studio for a candid photo shoot. She has to play the body of a celebrity who is not yet ready to reveal more than the audience is ready to take. Going by the script, candid is actually an understatement, Nina thinks but she agrees to the shoot only on the condition that her identity won’t be revealed and her face won’t be shot at all.

The studio is dark, only a bit of natural light trying to peep in through purple curtains. The focal point is the bed of course. It’s a queen size bed with a medium height headboard made by adjoining 4 wooden planks. The sheets are purple sateen perfect for a sex scene. She walks in and greets the director who by the way is also the actor of the film. To make her feel comfortable he has ensured that there won't be any witnesses to the scene, and thus all the responsibility is on his head including the videography. He and his team spent the entire morning preparing the scene. Since he is good with camera, the videographer didn’t have to train him much but that doesn’t make it any easy. He has to act in the scene and rush to check the camera each time to check if the shot was good enough.  

What earlier seemed like a regular routine now appears a big deal to him. The air had turned suddenly tensed from the moment Nina entered. Her cheeks looked fumed from the heat, or maybe she too was feeling the same as him. As he details her on the scene, she finds it difficult to meet his eyes. He hurries up to break the awkwardness and finishes with the script. The scene begins.

Nina is sleeping on the bed wearing just a bathrobe. She looks delicious and vulnerable, making it hard for him to think or act clearly. He is supposed to feel the smoothness of her exposed thigh and feel her through till where it ends. She wakes up to the tingling but is unable to rebel. He is already close to her hair smelling it deeply reaching for her neck. Nina shudders and he pulls himself back.

“We can take a break if you want. You really must feel comfortable for this shoot to happen.” He says.
Nina nods and takes a few deep breaths trying to shake off her nervousness. He checks the recording and acknowledges what needs to be done right and goes for another take. He runs his soft but passionate fingers on her thigh, exposing it further, desperate to get a good shot. He sniffs through her hair and tickles her ear with his tongue, not that it would show but it will make her body react. And it does, beautifully. His lips uncovering her depths, his hands consistent to discover her warmth, it’s not late when he realizes that this act has gotten real. She’s wet. Too wet that he could feel it while playing around the edges of her thighs. He wonders what could happen if he went further. He does.

Nina gives up. He is amazed by the curves, by the smoothness and he just can’t get enough. She looks him in the eye stripping off her timidity and mirroring her lust. His hands are soft as feather on her breasts giving her goose bumps every time they caress. The robe is now just a rope on her waist, and he makes sure it stays. His clothes are off, his eyes greedy, there’s nothing stopping the two of them with bodies so hot and steamy. Her legs are shaking at the beats of his fingers; she can’t take it – no more. Nina has never been so turned on before. They do it, on and on, as if there’s never going to be an end. It’s so hot and why not, they are playing with fire, igniting it further and more.

Panting like hell, they settle next to each other after the heavenly stint. Nina fights for her breath to utter the right words but instead grins at Abhay assuring him that the job was well done.

Fear of death, not your own

Have you ever wept over the death of someone still alive?

One night, when I was a child, I couldn’t stop crying for a whole night. My best friend had died.

Not really.

I was living in a story where she had died. I could see her body wrapped in white waiting to be flamed, burning her out. She was only eight and so was I but her friendship meant a lot and I couldn’t stop crying. I met her in kindergarten and now we were in second standard, there was so much more to laugh, so much more to do. I was a happy child but still it was her who made me laugh most of the time. Her impromptu comments, her fascinating tales, her contagious laughter – everything had gone. She was gone.

My heart was in my mouth as I tried to gulp down the last of my dinner. Everybody was home, watching TV and not talking much. I made use of the situation and hurried up to clear my plate and cease the day. Walking like a scared rabbit I rushed to my bedroom, eyes down to the floor trying to hide the outburst of tears that was ready to explode. Lights off and boom!

It was like my life had ended. I cried so hard that my heart ached. But soundless I was as anyone could walk in the room; my sister was yet to come beside me. But till then, all my painful heart could do was to cry madly but quietly, not moving much as I had to look sound asleep. She came, my sister, turned on the stupid light. Thank God I had already tucked my face in the pillow. I waited for her to sleep, crying just with my eyes. I couldn’t even blow my nose, gosh it was almost annoying. But my sister was a quick sleeper; I could hear her little snores already. I got my sign and got up to do what was long pending.

All I could think was how hard life will be now. Without her, school would be meaningless, life would be meaningless. At that age, I tried my best to make myself understand that it’s just in my head, an imagination. But I couldn’t understand why that. Maybe I was gifted - with the power to know without actually knowing. Oh my God! That means she’s really gone. No!

I spent another 2 hours crying, on the floor this time, with actions expressing my grief but no noise still. But then it was over; can’t say that I felt better but I had had enough, enough for that night at least. I cleaned up, hid the proofs of my weepy night in the dustbin, and hugged myself to sleep.

I saw her at school the next day. Well, she was very much alive and I was severely swollen. Everyone noticed. She enquired sharply. In a lame effort I tried to make it sound comically tragic, and said “I thought you were dead”. She laughed and sweared (yes she could do it even at that age), and life was normal again.

Until..