Been there, done that

There’s déjà vu and then there’s the heightened yet subdued version of it.

I was hungry, and there was food—a lot of it but I couldn’t eat. I knew the taste of each dish but I didn’t want to savor it. I walked around in my dirty pajamas and a complimenting pair of slippers, going from one stall to another that offered the usually-tempting delicacies but couldn’t bribe me anymore. A spicy platter was finding it hard to win over a bland porridge.

I saw pretty faces with even better clothes on, and for the first time I didn’t mind the lounging attire that I had put on. No perfume shop could turn me on; no shiny shoes could steal my glance. I was hungry but I couldn’t eat at all.

Suddenly everything—cheap or fancy—was losing its grip on me. The highs and lows were staring at me but the lines defining them were fading away. I could work on and on without needing a break (thinking of a holiday didn’t really make my stomach churn the funny way). I was standing far away from my emotional self, not finding it wrong to feel, for once, the mechanical way.

I saw my future as if in a flashback. Guess I am an old soul, been living too long to now feel old.

Darkness: my better half

I read somewhere that if you live in the state of solemnness all your life, you would need to depend on great companionship to come closer to yourself—to grow. A traveler in the desert will find peace to see greenery and abundance of nature; it doesn’t matter if he really finds it or just imagines it. Peace will come. And for those who have lived in the lap of nature, they would not like to dream of greenery anymore.

I agree for it to be true as I can relate to the latter. Raised in a joint family, I was loved by all (major credit goes to being the youngest); I was blessed with umpteen, good friends; I faced no major restrictions be it monitory or mental; I was given the authority to choose a candy from the store or a career out of my average qualification. Life has always been smooth. But when I shut my eyes, I see darkness: poverty, abandonment, sacrifice and death. They suck me in; I see them coming.

I have been preparing inside, crying since I was eight. But I’m still not ready. I don’t see how it will make me grow but how it does help, is by making me aware of the life that could be. It has never let me become greedy for happiness; I do long for a life full of it, though. It has kept me vulnerable and emotional to the situations I have never come across.

I have also heard people say that a day full of laughter is followed by another full of tears. And I have found myself burst out the next week/month (if not the very next day) of a zestfully happy one.

I wonder if it is helping me out at all. 

Where it all starts or where all it could have started (continued and ended)

After meeting Abhay, there was no looking back for Nina. He was the one (if that meant anything at all). But could that one be the one for someone else as well?

The evidence for Nina was still a blurry image for the world. Acknowledging the endangered devotion towards her friend, and the ever-growing love for her boyfriend, Nina stepped up to break that slender thread of bond between the two of them. She took Saanchi from Abhay's arms and freed him of the responsibility, noticing his gestures in detail as if those 2 vodka shots and a glass full of screwdriver never went inside. Abhay played it cool.  

"To hell with all those who called her skinny! Come, hold her and try saying that again." Nina screamed inside but didn’t let a drop of her trouble show. She didn't take much time to become a pro (at handling drunk, short-skirted girls who can barely open their eyes but are still standing somehow).

After handling Saanchi for about half an hour and being the good, responsible friend, Nina’s conscience started to question her. Abhay didn’t seem to take the role back, and Saanchi was comfortable in her arms. Soon, it started mocking her but she wasn’t planning to give into it without a one-on-one with Abhay. But that had to wait. Nina was doubtful of asking someone else to manage Saanchi. She was apprehensive of the thought that the kind king himself might not intrude her plan. With every passing moment, her list of questions-to-ask-Abhay kept growing long. And when the time for handcuffing the convict came, the roles interchanged.

Abhay’s outrage at the accusation made her whiny expressions turn weepy. She forgave him (in her mind) in one-tenth of a nano second and apologized (out loud) like a school kid to the teacher.

Where it all starts or where all it could have started (continued)

It’s funny when you think that you know someone from a very long time, and then they suddenly turn out to be someone else.

It was an early Sunday evening, and all Nina and Abhay had to do was cuddle about until Saanchi came. Nina had already briefed him about her shy and closed conduct so that he doesn’t creep out. The doorbell rang and Nina almost bounced to get it; she was indeed excited. Saanchi mirrored the excitement as she met her old friend after 4 long months (some might wonder but that is a long time for them).

Saanchi was feeling rather happy and relieved; she had just had the worst first date and was dying to meet someone she could talk to, and in this situation it wasn’t just Nina; she seemed as close to Abhay. Nina examined her appreciatively as she spoke to him – way more than her usual one sentence answers - looking him in the eye and not fiddling for words. It was like they had already met before. Nina felt proud in a way. She thought Abhay had a positive impact on Saanchi as she had never seen her open up so easily. Saanchi’s energy that day was like a fresh breath to their little apartment. The roses in her hand from the so-called-date might have just a little to do with it. She kept going on and on while Nina made them tea. It was strange that Nina didn’t have to put in any efforts at all to bind the three. Saanchi was on a roll that day.

The next time Abhay and Saanchi got to meet was when all of Nina’s hometown friends came down to their city for a weekend party. The night was going great; good music, great drinks and a lot of dancing. The scene turned around when Saanchi got a little high. She found herself being ogled by guys around, some even trying to pick her out. But with all her girlfriends around, she was safe. Really. There didn’t seem the need for Abhay to go out of his way and grab her by the waist and hold her till the end of the night. Nina thought it was sweet and responsible of him to take care of her friend. But was the arm around her waist necessary? She thought. Soon her drink felt like acid dripping down her throat; the music became the background to the voices in her head and the thumping of her heart. Was it so easy for him to fall out of love, the love that her friends looked up to? Countless, unreasonable and undeniable questions came rushing to her mind, all phrased differently but meaning the same. She still danced and she still smiled, and tried to ignore what seemed evident only to her.

Were the others blind, and what about Saanchi? Did she forget that she was lousing in the arms of her best friend’s love? Did that mean nothing to her? Nina thought while she burned from inside out. For a moment she actually wanted to check if she was visibly sending out hot steams. And then her eyes met Abhay’s. She waited for him to act all foolish and pretend like he didn’t mean it or at least act guilty.

His blank eyes stopped at her for a moment, and then moved on, making her feel like an outsider—abandoned and unknown.

Where it all starts

Or where all it could have started

Nina has always been close to her girls even though once every 2-3 years, there was someone new wearing the tiara of her best friend. That is one reason why she has a good number of friends, all with varied interests. She always learnt something new and experienced something different with each one of them, and when it stopped, their bond had to end as well. Eventually they came around (most of them) and now they all hang out together like mature, sensible and hot-as-hell grown-ups.

She stopped passing the tiara after school or maybe after the first year of college, and the last one to the throne was Saanchi.  She was accepted by all as Nina’s closest, and was a party to all of her secrets and speculations. She was the only one to have met, understood and consulted all her past boyfriends. Though she felt that Nina’s change of heart was quite frequent, she always remained sincere to her feelings. Even in their exchange of thoughts and feelings (though one-sided) with Nina, she would discover depths she had never known or felt. Saanchi never had a real boyfriend and was still a virgin at the age of 27. She thought that Nina’s love stories, no matter how short-lived, were not far from becoming epic.

When Nina told her about Abhay, she felt the jolts again – of fear and protectiveness. She seemed patient and tried to sound excited but balked when asked to comment. It was only after few weeks had gone by, and things were still smooth between Nina and Abhay that Saanchi let go of her protective grip. And then came a day when Saanchi got a chance to finally meet Abhay. Nina had almost anticipated their meeting; Saanchi being shy - talking mostly to Nina, Abhay cordial and warm – listening them earnestly, and Nina being the common thread – trying to do a good job at making them connect.

But that’s not how it went down.